Kumquat Weed

 

When Fika's sister visited her dealer for a half, she gave said dealer a bag of unwanted lemons and was given, in return, a small bag of potent hydroponic marijuana dubbed 'lemon weed'. Fika was fascinated - citrus goes in, special dope comes out. Fika waited until Wednesday midnight before replacing her neighbour's grapefruit with gift basket of artisanal small goods. 'Grapefruit weed' provided a different high, with a touch of paranoid giggles that was just short of a bad time.

Fika spent her evenings strolling through suburbia, a discrete side-eye out for front yard kumquat trees. Five homes woke to jars of baked beans (home made with ham hock and molasses) on their welcome mats. Fika bobbed smiling in her chair near front door, awaiting her sister's return from dealer. The sister was not impressed to find Fika in this state:

'Fika, I say this as someone who loves you. Get out. Meet people. Find your own dealer.'

'Did you get the Kumquat Weed?'

The sister gives Fika half of the half of regular dope: 'No deal. You need to get out of your comfort zone.'

Bopping stops: 'What? Why don't you get out of your comfort zone.'

'I go to parties all the time.'

'That is your comfort zone. But tell you what.' Fika waves upturned hand over the worn copy of Gravity's Rainbow next to the bong. 'I'll get out of my comfort zone if you get out of yours.'

'That looks too much like work.'

'Yeah and? It provides a kick. People work for money to spend some money playing drunk dress-up at Water World. At least this work isn't taxed.'

Shooting back: 'Hey. Selfies are how our generation displays status.'

'As you say, some books are "only read because people want to say that they've read them" so think of that status.'

Bitch: 'Fine. I'll do it.'

'Ah.' Fika raises halting hand. 'I want some collateral in case you don't hold up your end of the bargain. The Kumquat Weed, entrusted to an uninterested third party. I'll have a contract drawn.'

'Who the fuck would even bother?'

 

Renee thinks this shit is hilarious. They had been friendly acquaintances during high school, not quite friends but they had other girls to bitch about behind respective backs. Fika had discerned that Renee's ambitions for a career in law (not necessarily a legal career) landed Renee at Soden & Underlings because Renee's current occupation was absent from LinkedIn. Renee finished inking unrelated pre-nup* before striking quill's end on wall - it lights and Renee applies flame to joint of her own dope:

'All right, I'll draw you a contract for free. One condition. If you don't meet new people, and your sister, well, I get the Kumquat Weed.'

'Deal.' Nobody else has stayed late at the office, so Fika takes the offered joint. 'How'd you, you, kaarrf, this is good stuff. How'd you do that with thaaat quill?'

'You always were a bit shy.' Renee takes the joint back. 'The weed is El Dorado Green. It comes from El Dorado.'

'Oh pull the other -' THC's second wave hits and Fika's eyes widen. 'You're not fucking with me.'

‘You’re going to enjoy meeting new people.’ Renee smirks and pulls out her crayons. ‘Have you considered dealing?’

 

 

 

*... if affair with fuckwit is cited as reason(s) for divorce, the offending party must don horse mask and walk Waymouth street between 08:00 and 18:00...