The De-Antiquitiser

Summer had quiet-quit its days away until yearly clock-off. Then Summer went 'oooh shit' and, catching up before anybody noticed, delivered a heatwave in March. A Saturday of bushfire risk heat with wind, followed by night of caught water vapour returning to Earth, head bowed and making it muggy. Not good weather for a Nepenthe 2022 Adelaide Hills Tempranillo, but Felicity drank it anyway.

It was, is, a good drop paired suitably to blue cheese melted to board, but Felicity was drinking angry. She was in memory: Tony* had waved 'see you hun, I'll mention you to the boys between drinks two and four'. Felicity had known, on some level, that he meant 'between vaginas two and four'. Tony had left the television on Bargain Hunt - it was a Natasha Raskin episode and she was her usual gorgeous. Felicity had suppressed feels.

Felicity had unleashed feels with golf driver on Jester Grate Polish tin. Michelle lolled knees over arm rest:

'You doing good, bitch?'

'Not yet.'

Felicity slipped over side fence. The neighbours Swarovski Crystal Darth Vader figurine (with original box) received brick. Felicity rolled back over fence and sought out Easy:

'Do you have antique? If you let me smash it, I will let you smash my box.'

They drove mutely. The small pocket pistol, from the House of Egg, scattered. They left corgis barking.

Easy had started: 'Sooo...'

Felicity had responded: 'I have just bought a Shelley Molody teapot. Four days shipping.'

By which point, the Gods of Vintage, standing around their Port Adelaide All Tan Dump Ginger Beer bottle and scrolling through their iPhone 2Gs, started to worry:

'How uncouth!'

'Bitch, verily, chill.'

'In summation, what?'

To halt Felicity's rampage, for the time being, the Gods of Vintage enchanted the next old thingy that she landed her mits on.  Lo, the Vintage Simonds hand saw became the De-Antiquitiser. Felicity sensed the increase in value in her tum-tums - not in terms of dollars, but in terms on CatScript (₵$).

Successful application of saw to an object will usually shorten the object's x, y and z dimensions i.e. a part falls off. Sawing with the De-Antiquitiser instead trims the object's t dimension, its breadth (length, width?) of time. A 90-year-old lump of wood can have 80 years sawed off and, all else equal, lose its status as an antique.

Carl did not understand a word of that because he was high. He spent three days off the choof before understanding how the De-Antiquitiser worked. He sees value and rocks up early to Felicity's latest shindig with a bottle of Château Tanunda 2022 'Chorus' Barossa Valley GMS. It is cracked to breath whilst she dusts wineglasses with special wineglass cloth. The charcuterie board is yet to be prepped.

Carl rubs chin: 'That's what you're wearing tonight?'

Felicity taps wineglass on bench-top corner. The bowl shatters, leaving stem tipped with broken glass. She starts towards him.

Hands up: 'I want to sell you a dress. A Perfectly Fluttery Dress. That's where I was going with that.'

Stopping, lowering stem: 'Ha. What were you after?'

Relaxing: 'Your fancy saw.'

She drops stem in bin and starts cleaning another wineglass: 'No chance. The De-Antiquitiser can cut off the past and I have plans for it.'

'You have plans to saw off the past? What past?'

'All the past.'

'Your past?'

With same motion, another wineglass bowl shatters on bench-top corner.

Carl: 'You're really good at that.'

Advancing: 'I've had practice.'

'Do you want to discard the past or do you want a rich future?' Carl always does his best work when he is about to die. 'Because you can have one or the other.'

The glass tip presses on Carl's jugular but Felicity's eyes drift into consideration.

'Anything and everything from hereon would be cheapened without the weight of the past.' Carl may as well speak softly. 'Do you want to live without regrets or do you want to get laid?'

 

* Tony does not get hyperlink at all, let alone in double flashback.