Magdalene Does Thoughts

Magdalene is not likely to cry over spilt milk but keeps stubbing her toe on the wooden dick-and-balls that has sprouted from her floorboards, where the Potion of Plus-Two-Inches smashed. Her cupboard is overfull. She has dozens of re-corked wine bottles containing alchemical concoctions that she brewed solely to make a YouTube video of herself making relevant potion whilst sozzled. She has no use for most of these potions - raising Plus-Two-Inches with beau is akin to acknowledging pants ill suited to your wife's bum.

One flick of the wrist and the latest Catnip Page is open in Magdalene's right hand, the catnip/tobacco dart falling into her left. Said cigarette between Magdalene's lips and free hand reaching blind for lighter in its designated place on countertop. One inhale, one exhale, the latest market prices materialise:

₵$59    Ghost Tobacco  (20)

₵$15    Bloody Mary

₵$55    El Dorado Green (1/4)

₵$19    Bug Powder (g)

₵$1      Slut Root (kg)

₵$30    Marital Aid Potion

₵$10    Quetzalcoatl Feathers (doz.)

₵$5      Blue Roses (doz.)

₵$34    Mythril (g)

₵$9      BZTCN

Various peeps have put in offers for one-or-another of Magdalene's excess potions, paying with esoteric ingredients. Such an exchange would provide space for next video's potion and provide ingredients for said potion. The deciding factor of which potion for which ingredient is: how drunk is she allowed to get?

After almost dying, Magdalene discovered a YouTube audience for drunk alchemy. Potions have recipes. Booze causes mistakes. Mistakes leads to corrections. Booze flubs said corrections. Sometimes, to keep the video going, this means the recipe branches into a similar recipe that leads to a very different potion, or opens The Trap Door and leads to new problems which (once solved) provide new ingredients which branch into more ambitious potions, either option plunged into with drunken confidence.

For example, Lucy wants the Potions of Knowing Exactly What You Want to Eat Tomorrow (Which Also Has Marginal Benefits in Alleviating Sleep Apnoea). Lucy is a writer who dabbles in prostitution, because every second sex worker is writing a salacious memoir - it is a genre. Another (esoteric) bonus is the Sex Juices that accumulate in a dream catcher thing hung on bed head/rear-view mirror/shrine to Aphrodite and drip into an empty ice-cream container. Lucy has offered a quart of Sex Juices for the Potion of KEWYWET (WAHMBASA).

Sex Juices are a necessary ingredient in Marital Aid Potion, a favourite of Magdalene's customers. Magdalene uploaded a video titled 'Step-by-step Marital Aid Potion' in younger, gender dysphoric days. Rehashing the same material could only be made interesting with a bottle of whiskey and:

 

If Magdalene were to attempt making a Marital Aid Potion whilst pre-emptively stonked and swinging arms around in something called the 'Maggie Shuffle' (for reasons archived in brain cells sine lost to alcohol) then she might burn the wolfsbane or spill the kaiju smegma. In which case, she would have to substitute ethically-sourced hawksfoot or gorgon hang-ups, respectively, pursuing new recipes towards the Potion of +2 Cleaner Pooping  or the Potion of X1.12 Sobriety Duration (which: apt). But that Maggie Shuffle, despite stationary feet, is a recurring bitch...

Alternatively:  Michelle has been eyeing the Potion of Excusing Impolite Sexual Hungers For At Least 48 Hours, which is like a Marital Aid Potion for the saving-it-for-marriage crowd. She has offered a quart jar of Tomato Cream. Tomato Cream is a thing because tomatoes are neither fruit nor vegetable but teat. The implications are fascinating.

Magdalene has never been keen on Tomato Cream, a readily available but labour intensive ingredient, but it is crucial in Strategic Fart Brew. This potion is useful in preparation for a first date. Some people prepare a bail-out call, where a friend will call them during the date and, pretending to be family or the like, offer a false emergency to excuse the dater, should the date be going bad. Strategic Fart Brew instead preps the guts so that the drinker can, at a time of their choosing, release silent gas that is repulsive to the date (and the dater but to a lesser extent) to compel the date to use their own bail-out call.

Magdalene could comfortably Brew a Strategic Fart over an evening with a bottle of Parker 'Terra Rossa' 2020 Cabernet Sauvignon and improvising steps to Toconoma's 'Dawn':

 

Mistakes can be made but those can be attributed to more-art-than-science. Different steps of alchemy contribute to different gastro-intestinal processes which prepare the fart. The first and easiest step of the Brew is filtering the Mud of Tartaria, which strengthens resolve and discipline of anus. Later steps turn the bowels into a clean slate before the upper intestine adds to potency and fragrance. Woopsie-daisy deviations can lead to Farts useful for road-trip pranks, with a hint of frangipani at the back of the throat, or Military Grade Brews where 'silent but deadly' is not a euphemism and the C.O. barks 'all right, boys, down 'em. If you get caught, you know what to do. If you don't, we'll all gather in an open field to drop our ordinance before running away, giggling like school girls.'

Another option: Liam has expressed interest in the Potion of Anti-Anti-Traction (for Mazda 3 consumption). The computer of the Mazda 3 car can somehow go iffy and turn the anti-traction safety features permanently on, so that it drives sluggishly. Exactly how a car's computer is used to visit dodgy websites of weird pornography is a conundrum best left for more technical minds. The Potion of Anti-Anti-Traction, poured into the coolant reservoir, somehow gets into the car's brain.

Liam has offered, for the potion, a Sex MacGuffin. He found it. Magdalene can only think of one use for a Sex MacGuffin - the Potion of Being More Ready for Parenthood - and it is a terrifying potion to brew. The music

 

will be laid over video in post-production. Only two beers would be drunk - oatmeal stout, because it does not need to be refrigerated and, unlike mid-strength, Dutch courage is imbibed with fewer blind reaches of the can, eyes kept on lab equipment.

The Essence of Sex MacGuffin will boil yellow from blue and, if it is not poured into cauldron within ten seconds of this happening, the potion will lack potency. Oh shit, oh shit, I just need one more year, to get it out of my system, to taper off, to become an adult. Once the ambrosia is melted in skillet, the slut root embers* must be cooled to minimise evaporation, yet not cooled enough that the ambrosia begins to re-congeal and clump like diced bacon in its own fat. In which case: yeah, little person is gonna' be baller, I am going to buy that jetski that transforms into a jetpack that I invented two cones ago. Alternatively, nobody is ever ready for parenthood, that the potion is folly, that there are too many factors and perfection is impossible.

Which would make for a good video.

 

*Because gas is getting expensive and a footnote is necessary because Blogger seems to make the last line tiny.