Not: A Slömn

On the Shelf:	Behind the Counter:
₵$30 Ghost Tobacco (20)	₵$36 Stone 80
₵$25 Bloody Mary	₵$220 Brick of Cocaine
₵$50 El Dorado Green (1/4)	₵$18 Self Freezing Icecube Tray
₵$12 Black Meat (g)	₵$92 Water Bottle (Name Pending)
₵$1 Slut Root (kg)	₵$56 Mystery Soda
₵$30 Marital Aid Potion	₵$75 Fire Chicken Feathers (doz.)
₵$50 Quetzalcoatl Feathers (doz.)	₵$257 Potion #77508
₵$5 Blue Roses (doz.)	₵$43 The Dead Prince and the Talking Doll
₵$61 Mythril (oz.)	₵$81 Miscellaneous
₵$4 BZTCN	₵$30 Christian Repellent

 

This Week's Special:

Andrew has a new rental-agreement on life. At 33, he has been diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed legal speed. He has found a job and his house has never been cleaner. To-do-list complete and a day early, thank you, he invites friends over for bbq - dudes cluster around Weber.

It is a little chimney thing that has gone fwoosh. It sits on Weber's grill, sitting over fire-starters like chicken over eggs. Mid chimney, a grate carries Heat Beads Easy-Lite BBQ Briquettes. There is some debate as to what it is called.

'A chimney.'

'A flue.'

'A slömn.'

The fire goes out.

'Not a slömn.'

The fire resumes.

'Ok, the damned thing is sentient.'

Technically the Not a Slömn is no more sentient than any publicly available artificial intelligence. The Not Slömn cannot answer questions or compose music which only machine, not artist, could perform and not be cringe. The Thing That is Not A Slömn is, however, always listening and chimes in with uptick or downturn of flames. Its opinion, regarding whether idea is genuine innovation or dumbfuckery tinted by THC, is perfect.

That market is Frankie.

Frankie did one too many push-ups and so caught a cold. It was not bad enough to call-in sick but her body slowed and her focus slurred. She popped a two-month expired Panadol. She jotted her mind's meanderings over the day, some of which proved useful.

Water flows and so does time. The Time Wheel is like a hydroelectric power-plant, a turbine hooked up to wheel(s) spun by flow of time instead of water. Dammed time flows slower in its vicinity until it flows faster, which takes some time (ha!) getting used to. Frankie did not get government approval for any of this.

Black Market Electricity is cheaper than that offered through public infrastructure and less damaging for the environment. Because there is no technology used beyond extent of law that consumes significant energy, consumers must individually launder their electricity. This is done by jail-breaking some kinds of solar panel. The consumer will also need their own extension cords.

That market is Cheese.

Cheese decided to try something different so they bought a gallon drum of dry ice. The idea was to put the C4 inside the drum and slow any chemical reactions. When Cheese lifted the bomb by its wires, the wires came out. The Bomb Begone spit out a box of eight Condom Make Penis Bigger.

Condom Make Penis Bigger (CMPB) are condoms which, when equipped on a penis, increases said penis' length 12% and girth 18%. The target market for CMPB has a penis and wants said penis to be momentarily larger. Market data is incomplete but suggests that this want occurs when penis is already larger. More research is needed, but preliminary findings suggest that want of larger penis correlates with condom use. Also water bombs.

Cheese is not that market. Cheese wondered whether wrapping a bomb in CMPB would contain explosion in condom's elasticity. Then Cheese considered possibility of CMPB engorging improvised explosives. Cheese has a day job, so Cheese opts to sell the condoms. Cheese did not, but should, ask what happens when a Condom Makes Penis Bigger breaks.

That market is Andrew.

 

* Fig: On the Price of Buxus Sempervirens X Cannabis Sativa: It goes up ₵$10 every week but goes down ₵$2 every night where my dessert is fruit – wine counts.

Placebo Cigarettes

 

On the Shelf:	Behind the Counter:
₵$22 Ghost Tobacco (20)	₵$60 Self-Cooking Olive Oil (375 ml)
₵$25 Bloody Mary	₵$88 Quad-Option Flare Gun
₵$50 El Dorado Green (1/4)	₵$154 Coles Red (10L)
₵$9 Mugwump Jism (g)	₵$36 Stone 80
₵$1 Slut Root (kg)	₵$255 Brick of Cocaine
₵$30 Marital Aid Potion	₵$33 Self Freezing Icecube Tray
₵$10 Quetzalcoatl Feathers (doz.)	₵$104 Water Bottle (Name Pending)
₵$5 Blue Roses (doz.)	₵$12 Mystery Soda
₵$57 Mythril (oz.)	₵$42 Fire Chicken Feathers (doz.)
₵$22 BZTCN	₵$224 Potion #77508

 

This Week's Special:

Big Tobacco tried lobbying, on health grounds, against advertising that discouraged smoking, because it made smokers unhealthy with negative placebo. It did not work, but part of the lobbying had chemical-engineers make Placebo Cigarettes. These Placebo Cigarettes waited in the Bomb Begone rewards pool before Cheese received them (and four stars) for cutting some wires. This makes sense because people would try to bomb Big Tobacco all the time.

Conventional cigarettes exchange a person’s future for immediate gratification – time travel for hobbyists. Placebo Cigarettes provide the immediate gratification in exchange for a person’s benefits from placebo. Placebos include: efficacy of paracetamol, flavours wine acquires with greater price tag, affect of Taylor Swift (she’s good, buuuut…)

The market for Placebo Cigarettes will like tobacco but not its marketing, its effects but not its implied effects. The market is looking for scapegoat to blame for their life’s shortcomings, but punch-up at abstraction instead of minority group. They will take their revenge on the Placebo Effect but nobody else’s because that is dick move.

That market is Easy.

 

* If you like a post, please share the post: the most popular product of the last ten is liable to appear Behind the Counter.

Man Cement

On the Shelf:	Behind the Counter:
₵$43 Ghost Tobacco (20)	₵$294 The New Shampoo
₵$20 Bloody Mary	₵$480 Four Pack of Beer
₵$50 El Dorado Green (1/4)	₵$20 Democracy Honey
₵$8 Black Meat (g)	₵$20 Level Up Fig
₵$1 Slut Root (kg)	₵$87 D.C. Datura
₵$30 Marital Aid Potion	₵$58 Sex Doll Goon Sack
₵$5 Quetzalcoatl Feathers (doz.)	₵$47 START HERE
₵$5 Blue Roses (doz.)	₵$194 Fireball Thrower
₵$28 Mythril (oz.)	₵$114 Blue Angel Mushroom
₵$4 BZTCN	₵$138 Bux. Semp X Cannabis (One Plant)

This Week's Special:

Caroline hates men but we can work with that because we are pro-market. One of many things she hates about men is their indecision when asked what they want for dinner. Children are also inclined to answer 'I don't know' but at least you can starve them. Caroline channels this rage, collected from the sisterhood and beyond, into her latest metalwork

It is a combination safe, 30 by 30 cm and 45 deep, with tumbler lock. The only means of opening it known to man is placing ear to it and turning knob. There is no set combination - the clicks of lifted pins are merely echoes of the listener's soul or, rather, stomach. Locating the correct three numbers and opening safe reveals the dinner, cooked, that safe cracker does not realize they crave.

The Safe of What You Want For Dinner was intended for women exasperated with their partner's culinary indecision. The unintended market is wider. Anyone who appreciates a gourmet dinner for one can learn to crack safe. This product is educational tool for modern Fagin with a cat-burglar protégé or dozen.

That market is Cheese.

It is Cheese's day off so they are defusing a bomb. It is a low-level contract, more a bundle of fireworks connected to burner phone, but those five-star ratings matter. A Bomb Begone gig-worker can receive a 3.5 rating by detonating ordnance and copping most of the blast. The job is done, after all. With a smile and customer-facing demeanour, Cheese receives a five-star rating and a bag of Man Cement.

Man Cement is packaged in twenty kilo pre-mix bags. The perfect slump, or consistency, can be created with any reasonable amount of water, accommodating wide margin of error. In order to become cement at all, however, a squirt of fresh jizz must be mixed in.

Cheese is not sure who wants this Man Cement but is sure they ain't them. The market is not the professional landscaper who already has cement and can buy more, with money. The market is the DIY hobbyist, a touch inexperienced, who wants comeuppance for any fucker who pinches their tools. Bonus points for misogyny.

That market is Malcolm.

In his lonelier moments, Malcolm suspects he is not good at racism. When he heard what, he thought, was First Australians speaking in their First Australian tongue, he turned to look racistly. He looked racistly at a couple of Italian Nonnas in a Nonna Argument. In his lonelier moments, Malcolm reminds himself that racism is unconscious, that he is doing it at all times.

As the resident straight-white-cis-male, Malcolm has clout which he likes to swing between legs. Hierarchy is pure bulging abs and it is important that the useful people are always stretching. A report on global warming's effect on Australia's surfing regions landed on Malcolm's desk by Monday, as he ordered. Malcolm, straight-white-cis-male, does not believe in humanity's impact on the climate. His dick goes down.

Malcolm sips Japanese whiskey, which is not weeb but highbrow because alcohol, whilst scanning report.  The words do not congeal into sentences because hangover. It is an only copy, so Malcolm opts to sell it. The market is someone looking to buy beach house with long-term appreciation.

That market is Caroline.

 

* I am fine with this blog's formatting on mobile and on computer, but it is vomit on the eyes when viewing 'web version' on mobile. 

The Toyota Rav 4 Front Passenger Door of Beer Transfiguration

On the Shelf:	Behind the Counter:
₵$49 Ghost Tobacco (20)	₵$110 Anti-Flimflammatory
₵$20 Bloody Mary	₵$6 Extrasolar Teas Box
₵$50 El Dorado Green (1/4)	₵$4 Rare Minerals (g)
₵$8 Black Meat (g)	₵$16 Fine MRE Spice (g)
₵$1 Slut Root (kg)	₵$10 Magic Coat Hanger
₵$30 Marital Aid Potion	₵$46 Cleansing Ale
₵$35 Quetzalcoatl Feathers (doz.)	₵$292 The New Shampoo
₵$5 Blue Roses (doz.)	₵$410 Four Pack of Beer
₵$31 Mythril (oz.)	₵$20 Democracy Honey
₵$4 BZTCN	₵$20 Level Up Fig

This Week's Special:

Jack 'Cheese' Hoffman is the voice on the insurance claim phone line and that voice is Casey Mongillo's. It is work, money is solid, it is not a company that necessarily tries to wriggle out of payments. There are KPIs but Cheese listened, in perverse fascination, to customer's belief that their totalled car had magic front-passenger door. Cheese white-knuckled an interstate drive over the weekend and found said car door amongst the lilly pillies.

The Toyota Rav 4 Front Passenger Door of Beer Transfiguration has a window. A carton of beer, when viewed through this window, appears like a different carton of beer. Tapping on the glass will transform the beers into the visualised alternative. The operator must be wearing sunscreen for this to be successful.

Cheese does not believe it and wants this car door gone. The market for this product is somebody enthusiastic about beer and appreciative of casual opportunity to add, or sneak, value. The door can be left at home but that sorta' defeats the purpose. Cheese keeps an eye out for Rav 4s and occasionally leaves a handwritten note under windscreen wiper. The market response is typically to nod, smile and back away slowly.

Unless that market is Nathan.

Nathan chose pizza shop work to network but now said network orders pizzas delivered specifically by him. Only once was that, gloriously, for sex. Usually it is because some dark lord or another is hosting a casual shindig in underworld and their assistant has Nathan's phone number. One such shindig was nightmarish, inhuman intelligences rending one another's flesh. A beer keg, full, was mangled into a bong. Anime music was playing. But party is party, Nathan stayed for a drink, met interesting people, met entrepreneurial types, left with ten Bomb Begones.

A Bomb Begone operates similar to a Catnip Page - it is a blank scroll rolled around a complimentary cigarette. The cigarette's smoke spreads words across the naked page, options which can be selected with a stab of dart's ember. The first question:

Do You?

Want a bomb defused

or, Want to defuse a bomb

Selecting the former leads to questionnaire regarding bomb details and payment method. Selecting the latter provides list of local bombs to defuse and corresponding rewards. Bomb Begone is essentially Uber for bomb disposal.

Nathan wanders ten A.M. streets with lit catnip and tobacco, wonders how to sell these Bomb Begones. The market is not the taxi driver degraded into using their own car, it is someone who fills spare time opportunely. It is someone who has seen 'The Hurt Locker' and related. It is someone completely civilian, bored and willing to risk life for shits, giggles, profit and the greater good.

That market is Cheese.

 

* Footnote